Ne geile Zeit

I hate guys. He's telling you how he loves you than he says you can't be together and a few weeks later you find a photo-album on his web-site that is full of photos of him and his new girlfriend and they look as if they were having this 'happy-little-family' for their entire life.

Another guy meets you every whicked hour. He wakes up at 6 in the morning just because you asked him to give you the electric piano which you need for writing music. Then he spends 2 hours to bring that piano to my house even though I was insisting on taking it myself. Our wednesday meet every week is already something not to be discussed... I remember those days when he was writing poems for me and gave swiss chocolate for lunch. That is so not fair! Why something went wrong? Why this sweet young german guy, the ONLY european in this DAMN country, is now writing diary posts not about me?.. Why the hell I was added to the 'best-friends-forever' list? It is so not fair. I'm always near!.. What might be wrong then?

Another guy promised to come and meet the new year eve with me... twice. He promised to come on the 31 of December and then on the 1st of january and didn't. After me bugging him for a few weeks he made 'such a thoughtful gift' and invited me to spend his birthday with him and his friends. They were planning to go somewhere for a few days. Oh, forgot to say. This guy is my boss.

Either I'm only fine enough for guys who've got serious problems with relationship, or guys just suck!

Lots of things happened since I was here last. But the major one is our tennis tournament. It was such a big mistake to put me and Lina in the 1st round together. Such a disaster! We were in the finals last year! It sounds as if Nadal and Federer were playing each other in the 1st round. Total bullshit. And you know what is the most incredible thing about it? We quarelled! She behaved so arrogant... I one a game and during the break she was saying that it was weird that I won... She said something like: "You can't even hit the ball in. It's always either out or in the net! How the hell could you cross me?" - wow, so she thinks I cannot play. She said I'm incapable of making and attack.

After that it was so fun to take her serve. She couldn't even understand how that happened. She thinks her serve is unstoppable, but it is just a usual serve, maybe just a little faster than an average one. Then she spoke to me as if nothing happened and tried to find out why I was so grilled. "Is anything wrong?" - she asked. HELL YEAH!

A few days later she spread her ankle and we couldn't play the second set, well, our coach told me that we couldn't... After the practice Lina was still asking what was wrong and I shouted out everything I had in my head about her. And we made a deal - next time she will convince our coach that we should start our game from the 3rd set. I lost the 1st one 6\2, but we skipped our 2nd set cause of Lina's ankle. It would be fair if we take that as her lost 2nd set. When we were speaking about her 'high and mighty' behavoir she was almost crying: "Yes, I know this is some kinda desease of mine. I'm working on it, but sometimes I slip..."

It was the first time we quarelled so tough. We used to be friends...

Andy Roddick was successul in Os Open. I followed all his matches even though I had to wake up at 3 am for that. I really enjoyed watching his game - I think his new coach is a real magician. At least he cut down on those stupid net 'attacks'.

Anny Roddick became a drummer!) My friends have got a punk-rock group and they lost their drummer... they taught me how to do this thing and it turned out that I learn quite fast and have a very good sence of rythm. Two months and we're making a CD together. I love drumming, it's like... well, after a hard tennis match you take those sticks and drumm out all the nerves and emotions you've got.

Ok, now that's the big day. I was invited to celebrate the NY with my friend. That's a great idea, not only because of me feeling like doing it, but cause now I have the only chance to tell one man that I might have fallen in love with him.

He is my boss. And he is a great a guy, but it's hard to say: "I like you" - cause you don't know what his reaction will be. It's either you have everything done or you'll ruine the whole thing including your possible promotion and good relations with your boss. I don't wanna ruine the whole thing, as well as sitting whole my life in a corner watching him and thinking: "Damn, we might have something to share..." - as Felipe Massa said one: "It's better to regret about something you've done, than regret about something you were not brave enough to do..." - that's a smart thing. I'll try to follow this quote...

We always forget to care about something we have, having no idea that someday we might lose it and never see it once again.

But you know? It was funny to watch you throughout our 'no-talking-to-each-other' period. It was hilarious to walk into uni's hall and see you standing somewhere in the corner alone and suddenly coming to a small mates' company standing by and starting to speak so loud that probably the whole ground-first-second-and-third floors could here you speaking. It was SO NOT natural! Your immaturity makes me laugh my ass off... I remember once mr Richie told me that I was 'kindisch'. Now it's your turn. If I am 'kindisch' than YOU are erm... 'not-born-yet-isch' (dunno how that sounds in german)?

Funny. I though that would hurt. I though that if I stop speaking with you I will lose my only friend in this uni. But a) I already realised that I'm fine by myself b) I'm quitting this uni, and as you already asked me 'does this mean we won't keep in touch' - my answer is yes. You go your way and I'll go mine, ok?

Kinda retelling my 'german-diary-recent-idea', I think that I'm already fed up with this children-like relationship. Or maybe throughout the whole time I was in love with someone else. I still can't call myself brave enough to admit that I fell in love with the guy, whose name I'm not gonna reveal (let him be X). It seems a little bit shocking to myself that's why I can not yet speak about whether it is serious or not... But my german diary is stuffed with thoughts about this whole thing and that makes me feel even more concerned...

Why in hell is it always this way? Why are boys afraid of something more serious than playing 'under-the-desk-arm-wrestling' during a boring lesson or drinking milkshakes while walking through the Red Square? Why is he afraid to hold my hand before we say "good bye" and go back home after a long university day? In stead of this he's just standing aside and watching me before I catch a train which will take me back home. Why in hell is he afraid of this whole 'relations-stuff'? Isn't it fun to hold hands while walking or kissing under our umbrella when it's raining around? Isn't it fun to have fun together in stead of trying to make an illusion of 'a-relationship-whatever-that-seems-like-a-friendship-or-so-who-ever-cares'??

In stead of this I decided to take the whole thing under my control. If you are afraid to kiss me, I will make the first step to show you that it is DAAAAAMN not as horrifying as you think! Zuerst, I just said 'good bye' by kissing you in your cheek. If it is fine, we might go further. COME ON! We are not 10 years old anymore. We are almost adults, but it seems as if we were both in the same primary-school-classroom, where kids are afraid to talk to each other... COME ON! We are in a relationship and you know it. Why not to make progress?

Sometimes it's much easier to blow everything up than start from scratch. As well as it's much easier to say "I hate you" than "I love you". Much easier to make a mistake than admit it and say "I am sorry".
But I found enough strength to say: "Gosh, guys, your dignity and your pride is just a pale of crap if you love someone. When you realise, that your relations were completely ruined (hep tovbeler - as turks would say) or that you might not talk to the person you strongly admire once again... the only though you have in such moments, like 'what in hell was I doing when I was ruining the whole thing' or possibly 'what the hell was I thinking?' FUCK THE DIGNITY. I love him. I have never experienced this amount of emotions towards to a guy (and it's probably the first time I can call my bf a GUY, not a MAN) from my country (well, not quite. he's a german guy, but anyway, he's lived here for 10 years already)... I have never spent soooo much time with a guy. I have never got any poetry devoted to me from a guy. I have never realised that this person has been standing and watching me for almost half an hour in stead of saying good bye and going home (I was waiting for my granny and he was standing on the higher floor from me and just watching me and mumbling songs). The fuck 'em all. I don't care about anybody saying anything bad about me suggesting 'start everything again'. I love him"

Amazing thought of today:

"If a friend of yours becomes your boyfriend and still treats you like a friend, it is either he's not that into you or he just doesn't see the difference between these two things, saying: "hey, look. it's only a 3-letter difference. friend. b-o-y-friend."

Ok, let's analyse this. I have almost kicked him off. I mean, in a 'relation' kinda thing, I have, but I could have also tell him that I don't wanna communicate with him anymore. But I didn't do it. Why? Because I was STUPID enough. Or, possibly, because I was scared to be left all by myself with the community I haven't yet entered - the college community.
Now I see the real reason why I was so sticked to him - I didn't get to know anybody from our university except for one weird kind of girl and him. I was spending my whole time with him and that is exactly why I felt so comfortable on his side. It's definitely not about him and not about anything connected with 'love feelings' und so. It's all about fear. I'm afraid. Afraid of coming into that community and also afraid to be all by myself. Now I realise being all by myself sounds much better, but anyway. I didn't let him go because he is the one, who makes me feel like "I AM in this community". Like, if I'm with him that means I AM the part of the community. How sweet. All this time he was my "pass" for the uni community.
Or maybe I kinda lost my head because he's german. Damn, at least a tiny part of Europe in this fucking country that has taken almost quarter of the whole world. Also I got keen on german language long before we met and meeting him was a good sign for me learning german. Ok, anyway. That's it. THAT IS IT. Es ist vorbei. Der Spiel ist vorbei. Bu oynama bitti artık.

How many times did you fall in love? Not with a guy, but with the idea of a 'perfect teenager relationship'? I think it's my very first time I did. And GOD! It felt so great, until you finally stop watching the sun on the sky and turn your eyes on the guy. Is this the moment when you ask urself: "Who is this?" "What the hell is he doing on my side?" or more possible "What was I thinking about?"
But when it comes to being pushed off from the cloud, so cosy and warm, you were sitting on, by the one, who is 'in hell doing something on your side', it feels really shitty. Believe me. Now I know. After thinking for a while, I realise that I didn't need him, but still there are questions like: "But I used to spend those rainy and boring hours between the lessons with him" "How am I supposed to switch from being doubled (or accompanied) by someone to being single?" "Who will distract me from teachers annoying mumbling about the World War 2?" "Who will help me with German/Maths/Physics or whatever?" and so on. These questions are grilling me as well. As well as I can't answer them now, I distract myself with love dramas, comedies, sigaretes and chocolate...

As for now, another asshole dismissed.

...as usual. After 10 months of thinking about an asshole who ruined my life, it all ended up as it was supposed to. 68 pts for my first exam and only 75 pts for English. UNGLAUBLICH! After 12 years of English I was waiting for kinda different result. Anyway, I haven't passed, as I think, and now I have to sit those exams once again. This time I've picked 3 faculties up, just to have more chances to enter that fucking university.
However, my friend Blake promised to find out more about Arizona State University, which I've decided to try to enter next year as soon as I pass all of those SAT and TOEFL exams to certify that I'm able to use English freely. As for now, I've got a different target - deutsch. I'm having my German exam next Tuesday. And even though I have Social Science a bit earlier (this Friday), I'm all into getting prepared for the G. exam. And I swear, if I pass this one, I will once come to my lyceum with flowers and, probably, champaign, just to thank my german teacher. She's done so much for me. Our group, mostly, still doesn't like her... When I talk to them about it, they keep on mumbling something like: "No, I don't wanna even bring those memories back to me, our lessons were soo awful!"
I don't really think it's true. Well, I can admit, I was a bit scared of speaking on those lessons and, in general, I was awfaid of those lessons and our teacher herself. But after those lessons I was always really glad to tell myself: "Everything was fine, nothing to be afraid of... and, besides, it was like... fun?" - anyway, no matter what happens, everything somehow connected with German is something that I should thank my dear teacher for. And I will.

Can't explain right now, but this is what I have written today while sitting in a Coffee House, drinking a coctail and smoking:

"So... das bin ich. Ein ganz normale Madchen. Oder... vielleicht war ich normal. Bevor habe ich das richtige Leben gesehen und verstanded was "das richtige Leben" ist. Und glaub mir, dass es eine sehr dramatische Geschichte ist...

***

2643. Was fur eine geheimnisvoll Zahlen sind sie? Diese Zhalen verfolgen mich immer: wenn ich esse, wenn ich lese, wenn ich spaziere, spiele, mit jemandem spreche, noch da wenn ich eine Prufung legen ab, sogar wenn ich schlafe... Schade! Wenn ich diese Nummer zum erstenmal getroffen habe und benutzen konnte, habe ich uberhaupt nichts gemacht. Und jetzt hat es gar nichts mich zu enteressieren, doch schweb es noch in meinen Kopf"

Don't mind about the mistakes, I had a year break from German and I'm just trying to revise it somehow in my head now. Anyway, making too many mistakes for now. Hope it'll disappear soon.

Check for the update, I will soon write more about the story.

How embarrassed am I! I spent probably the most disgusting week in my life. Saying that it was a complete disaster would be just nothing to say. It couldn't have been worse.

After having my birthday on the 4th of June full of alcohol, coloring my hair in black one evening and not even remembering the next morning how in hell I did it (can you imagine that - you wake up in the morning with totally different hair color and you can not even remember, how you got this one! ouch!), I went to spend another few days with my best friends while their parents went away... Needless to say that it was by far not a good idea. The first evening was ok, cause there was only one bottle of wine and 4 of us to drink it. We were just fine watching Euro 2008, having a good dinner, drinking wine in proper amount, and just having fun. But we spent whole night chatting and it all ended up that I joined girls in smoking. I've always been against smoking. I don't know what happened... I don't know how I could do that sort of thing... We went for a walk at 4 am and I took another 3 of 4 cigarettes. I know the real reason why I did this... And I hate the person who makes me do all this shit. He made me so miserable that I started turning into a disgrace.

The next day I went home and wrote two letters of almost totally opposite content. The first one was to the guy who made me miserable. I couldn't stop myself from writing how I hate him and now I maybe even regret doing it. The second letter was to dear friend from the US who helps me a lot. He is very supportive and attentive, that's why it was him, who I really needed at that moment. The same evening I went back to my friends' place, but that evening just couldn't end up well. 2 bottles of wine and only 2 persons to drink it. I was one of 'em. And the second girl was my best friend Nataly. After getting completely drunk, quarreling till the sparks flied with two neighbors (two drunk guys as well), feeling like the world is upside-down, realizing of being completely unable to even reach the beds and what is more - ending it up on the balcony at 5 am with another glass of wine and a pack of cigarettes - I was smart enough to tell myself: "That is way to far, man!"

Not a sportsman. Not even a smart mature person. Just a stupid emotional teen, incapable of controlling her damn head... I hate myself for making this shit. And I feel embarrassed for this week, cause the actions taken were way too foolish...

After finishing my tournament as a runner-up, I received lots of compliments and just 'sweet' words from my coach. He keeps telling that my game level is getting higher and higher. Actually, I do feel like it is true. Everytime I start playing, I feel that I don't have to make as much effort as I used to just to make a strong, deep and direct shot. Besides, I've decided to change my racket, I don't like how my new racket behaves. My old Hammer 4 was a real good 'fellow' and we're together again.))
Lately, our coach started taking part in our double matches when we're just practising. And you know what? A game against my coach is probably the best thing I've ever had in tennis. I'm not that little girl anymore and my coach doesn't give me any chance to win. He makes me run left and right, then after a short shot makes a very deep and hard one instantly. I'm feeling tired, exhausted and sometimes having a grudge against his almost incredible shots that sometimes touch the line like 'with one millimetre' or so. But I love my coach. And these games, no matter which score I lost it with, make me feel so cheerful. And what is the best thing about it? His words about me and my game in the end. He has always been quite exacting about my skills and personal qualities. That is why it so god damn hard to receive a real compliment from him and that is why when you finally receive it, you feel so awsome.

Now for the fun part. I think fell in love with one old american actor. He seems so great to me... I mean, I love almost everything about him. But mostly his voice. His voice makes me feel so cosy, no matter what exactly he's saying. Even his famous: Don't you fucking look at me!!! - seems like something pretty warm. No matter how old he is, I really love him. And I want to watch every single movie with him. It's Dennis hopper...

I got into the finals of a tennis tournament... It is sooo f@#$ing great. No, really. I'm happy about it. And tomorrow I'm playing my big finals in the morning. But you know what? I don't give a shit about it. There something that made me feel truly disgusting. My granny... I've never invited my relatives to my tennis matches. But my granny was the one who watched me playing (and winning by the way) my very first tennis tournament...

And it was important for me to invite her this time, to watch the semi-finals. I was excited cause I wasn't actually supposed to get that far. I was almost out in my 2nd round as well as the 1/4 finals. And I don't really know how in hell I got through all that, but anyway. I wanted her support. My mom has never actually wanted to attend any tennis match or practice of mine. She was even smart enough to tell the truth about why she doesn't want it: "Tennis is boring, that's why I don't want to go and watch your game..." - thanks, mom. You've always been so supportive. Maybe that's why we've never been good friends. So, anyway, returning to my granny's topic... She refused to come watch my semis cause "it is Easter and I gotta go to church! Maybe next time sweetheart..." - oh next time I'm in the semis of a tournament? Ok, then see you in couple'a years!

Thank you guys! You're truly amazing. And when my sister heard me talk about it, she said: "Oh, let me and our dad come to your finals on Thursday!" - NO. Not this time. After what you guys did me when I really needed your support, I'm OUT. And I'll be playing my finals alone. With the support of my coach and my tennis partners and other people who seem to care about me much more than you guys do. Thank you once again.

Seems like not a very good day has just started. Well, it started 5 hours ago actually, but anyway. It started with me finding out that my sister had spoiled my favourite Williams original Team T-shirt, then went on with a shocking loss of Andy Roddick, who had just amazed us with an incredible win against world number one Roger Federer. Taking the fact that I'm having a tennis match (a very important one) today as well into consideration, seems like it's not gonna be a very good day for me.

Badluck all around 2day. Better be careful with a lot of stuff. Before the match I'm meeting one of the best friends of mine Alex, and she's gonna probably cheer me up a bit before my match, the last one in this tournament as I suppose. So, after the match I will have to go home immediately (no matter how this one ends up) cause I have lots of homework to do for Sunday's extra Russian Language Class. Sunday is gonna be no better, except for my dad who is coming to check in and probably, to buy me a new mp3player at last (can't stand this world without the music in my head anymore). I guess I will spend the whole Sunday evening learning English. Yesterday I found out that I had started to make loooooots of stupid mistakes. That means only one thing - I should remind myself what is actually "learning english... like... with coursebooks and stuff" is.

Today got a phone call from my coach. I had missed last 3 or 4 practices and he was worried like how I'm feeling and why I'm absent. But the first very question he had asked me was the one I almost wanted to kill him for. "Do you know that Roddick got engaged?" - SHIT!!! Of course I fucking know that! My coach is always kidding about my Roddick's obsession and about Roddick himself, cause he just doesn't like him. This time I was really proud of myself (& of Andy for sure) that I had some "funny" thing to answer to my coach. "Sure I know. And... Do you know that Roddick has just kicked Roger's ass? Like, in straight sets..." - haha, you can't even imagine what the reaction was. It seemed like "what the fuck?..." was walking around somewhere in his mind.

Ok, gotta go get sum sleep now. Sorry for Andy, but this is what he deserves to do after beating Federer. I will love him anyway lol)))

Wow, another sleepless night for me. Well, seems like cause of the time difference between Moscow and Miami and my "Roddick" obsession, my day-schedule has changed so much. Now I stay up at night and sleep in the day time. Thank god, my school provides me with free-attendance right so I'm capable of doing that thing.

Soo damn angry with my stupid sister. I have a fav. T-shirt (the one that came original from Great Britain, the WilliamsF1 T-shirt). And my sister somehow managed to color it with her purple top. Now my dark blue and white T-shirt contains a few purple spots! Damn, if she is not as successful in removing them as she was in making them, I'm gonna kill her, cause it was the last Nico Rosberg T-shirt in that shop and it was the prettiest one. Shit, I hate when she spoils my stuff. That is making me completely MAD. I know that a T-shirt is actually not what I'm supposed to worry about in my life, but oh GOD, I have just got it. And I loved it sooo much.

Ok, gotta check the internet, maybe there are some other cheap shops with F1 clothes... Grrr...

HE did it. He did it. He DID it. He did IT. HE DID IT. And all those other possible ways of writing that HE DID IT. It's unbelievable. No matter how much I love Andy, IT IS ACTUALLY unbelievable. It worth waking up at 3 am to watch HOW ANDY KICKED FEDERER'S BIG ASS!))))

Lol, sorry for that. I respect Federer as a person and as an incredible tennis player, but today Andy was just stronger than him. REALLY STRONGER. And the match itself was incredible. With all that funny and exciting stuff matches with Andy usually contain. Like (almost) hitting the referee chair with his head trying to catch one veeeery short Roger's shot. Or talking to the referee after being made to reserve a-100%-ace. "Seems like Federer is being better-judged, huh?" - "I judge according to the rules. So we judge both of you the same, without exceptions!" - "Now he's judged better. Just think of it - a 100% perfect ace and you make me reserve!" - "You're supposed to within the rules!" - "Federer's lucky to get better judged. But that's weird..." - "No, we do judge you according to the..." - "I know he's nicer, that's why!"

Once again. Amazing game and I congratulate all Andy's fans with this incredible win. We are stronger and better 2day!)