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Mar. 21st, 2012

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{fucking FAT FAT FAT}

I've realized something. I love myself there. That is why I want to get back so badly. There... it's always about the drama, the nerves and it's always hot. I stop eating, I'm always so nervous that I don't even care about food. I've just taken a look at some of my pics from Turkey... gosh, have you ever seen me thinner and more beautiful than I was there??

Hey, sister, you don't get it. I don't love Turkish hotels, I don't even like those turks I go there for. I love MYSELF there. I stop eating, I lose weight and start being soooo incredibly hot and wanted, I've never been...

What about this place? Well, I am happy now. Maybe that's why I can't stop eating, because as soon as I do, my mood gets low and on the contrast with happiness it sucks soo fucking much, I wanna kill myself or just start back eating. You're saying you've gained weight? Believe I will too. And a lot.

I can't be happier now that I have found my love, but please... I think I've never felt more depressive than I am now. I know that I lost my right to go train because of this fucking freaken injury, so now that I'm happy I eat-eat-eat and there is no more training availible... How lucky is that?

I wanna get back. Get back there, feel nervous and all super-dramatic and stop eating, lose weight, smoke and look like a fucking princess again. The hot-hot-super-hot drama queen...

But I can't get back, so I hate myself, things are only gonna get worse I know...( I'm gonna get fatter, he's gonna hate me too and no more kissy-kissy, I'll be back alone and I will just have to come back there because no one will ever fucking like me when I'm freaken ugly and fat. fuck fuck fuck fuck I hate it

Frankly I can't even believe he finds me attractive. That's impossible

Mar. 20th, 2012

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{ellie and anny}

I can be divided in two different parts. I have been like this since I was about 13 or 14 years old. Two girls, like twins or something. They look almost the same, but they are so very different.

One of them is a nice little Ellie girl. She has always been the quiet one, she's intelligent, sweet. In stead of arguing with someone she'd prefer to quietly go to her room and just sit think everything over. She never surrenders to her feelings - logic and simple calculation always come first. Even though she's the 'smart' one, in real life, in love, relations and such stuff she's truly naive. She believes in fairy-tales, princes and all the freaky stuff girls are usually said to believe in. Luckily, because of her incredibly sweet and tender character, she rarely comes across real jerks and most of the people she fall in love with are ready for The Relationship of her dreams. Big time. She's lucky.

She's determined in studies, music, sport, but she never asks why the hell to do anything - she just always follows all the rules. If her coach tells her to run, she runs. If he tells her to go make 50 pushups, she goes and makes 'em. She never had any passion for neither education nor sport, mostly she just did it because it was 'the right thing to do'. Simply, she doesn't have passion for anything. She did the majority of things just because 'they said so' or 'because 'it was the right thing to do' or so. Unfortunately that leaves her success and all of those victories truly underestimated - most of the things she has achieved with a robot-like determination wasn't something she passionately wished to achieve. She just made targets and determinately reached for them. That's why having reached it, she's never surprised or satisfied with it. It was just a logic thing to happen in her eyes.

But that can also be counted as one of her advantages. Her determination is something that can really be compared with a rock. If she's on her way to something, nothing can ever stop her. She doesn't even consider any possibilty of failing. Fear and emotions she leaves behind and does not take them into consideration either. The power of mind that can never be lead or be confused with a bunch of human emotions.

Her twin-copy is Anny is today like 60-70% of my characted. It used to be a 50\50, but it has changed a lot lately and that was the  time I've decided I should change my name to Anny. That's why I wanted it. This girl has dedicated her whole life to following the voice of her heart, her feelings and her emotions. Maybe that is why her life radically changes every 6 months or so. Today she wants to be life-saver, tomorrow she'll think about becoming an actress, this girl always has something new in her head. Life the way it goes is just too boring for her - it has always been so and it always will. She is always the one who argues, shouts out, god knows what else... throwing chairs, having big partys, drinking, smoking and doing everything that gives her pleasure. And of course making stuff she'll have fun remembering when she gets old. She was never fond of any reading or studying - she's just bored with it. And she thinks living is worth doing only the stuff you're really passionate about. She never did something she had no heart for. She left her incrediblу cool school to just go play tennis, she left 2 universities and 3 or 4 times changed her mind about her future, when everything was almost decided already. He parents as well as anyone else around never knew what she will do next.

She has always thought she knew what guys are about - most of her previous friends were absolute jerks... Well, she was crazy and she fell in love with crazy guys. It was obvious she'd never be able to find any 'normal' company, because she just got bored of simple and average relationship or kind and calm boys. She wanted the 'pop', the 'nerve', the passion. And she got it. Unfortunately because of it she never was in any serious relationship - tons of her most 'passionate' relations didn't last more than a few weeks. Her biggest 'love' was all about nerves, and after a few years of two-week relationships with the same jerk, she realized she wasn't even in love with him, but was she in love with the adrenalin he gave her by being just as crazy as she was. She still doesn't believe any relationship can last long. Neither does she believe in love as such. Since I have a truly amazing relationship with the best guy in the world right now, I think these 10-15% of character I've left behind.

She was always determined to get what she wants, but it wasn't the determination that of Ellie. She was determined because she was just eager to get something she wants, like a kid. And she can't calm down until she gets that thing she wants. She loved sport because she always wanted to win and those endless battles of getting what you want were incredibly fun for her. Unfortunately, when she made an incredibly tough wish and took that as a goal for her determination thinking that the possibility of getting it is so low that a lifetime would be enough to get it, she underestimated herself. She got so eager to get this 'first victory' that when she got it (surprise-surprise, only a few years passed!), she lost interest for that sport - it wasn't the logical 'why keep fighting' that would Ellie ask, she just lost the passion completely and she didn't even try thinking why that happened and what to do. But thanks to her passion and how much she wanted everything that she got, all of her victories and success is always something to remember.

She is strong because of her passion, she never gives up not because it's 'a bad thing to do' but because of her passion. Sadly she is often mislead with her emotions and maybe that is why she keeps making wrong decisions all the time - she never lets her mind take part in making any decisions.

Sometimes it's hard, but I still believe that I am composed of these two persons. Sometimes I can't even explain what's what, but most of the people do say that I even look different all the time and that if they didn't know, they'd say there are two Elens. I usually just nod, but smile inside. Yes, there sort of are.

Mar. 19th, 2012

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(no subject)

Crap. Why do I always skip the important messages online? Whatever.( Damn me

Since I've closed my russian blog I'm feeling like my head is gonna explode. That's why I've been stucking this place with random emotional notes for the last couple of weeks. This evening is full of emotions. Including the last 10 seconds when I've figured that one of my friends I've written an e-mail to has IMed me while I was breathing fresh air on the balcony and is offline now. Shit shit, why nobody uses e-mails anymore? I've written a huge one, why couldn't it just be answered? Is it essential to IM me in stead? Ok, no probs will talk later.

My tennis friend finally reached our coach. We haven't seen him for a loooong loooong time. And now she scheduled our meet with him for the next week, just to talk, to say hello and ask him how he's doing. If my back's fine next week, I'll go. I hope to hear any chance we could get back on court for these couple of months...

This injury... My mind is so scattered right now. I don't get it. I don't want to keep mumbling something about my damn misery and fears, so I'll just say that: I have promised myself not to return to ANY acrobatics (or capoeira as such) until I'm absolutely sure in my physical form. So I have decided to jog, train all by myself (only exercising to gain strength, nothing else) and play some tennis, to keep myself in shape and plus get back to a safe place of mine which is my court. I've had enough of misery and despare in sport for the last couple of months. Unless I find the balance for my confidence, there's no way I'll get back.

My friend said he saw me. My coach saw me recently somewhere round the places we used to play (yeah, I study at the same place so it's no surprise, I thought I might once come across the man). He didn't come up to me, cause he was in a rush, plus, as she said... well, I was smoking. And... He was a little shocked to see that (he'd be surprised to know I was smoking during my 4th, 5th and 6th year of playing tennis as well) and decided not to confuse me. Damn. I've been successfully hiding this awful habit of mine from my coach. I can say, I've been hiding it particularly from him even more than teenagers usually hide it from their own parents. I knew what his reaction would be like... But so sad this stopped him from coming up to me to just talk a little...(

Anyway, that's not the point. After hearing it from my friend... I've realised how much I miss my coach and how much I miss everything I had. I want it back. At least for now. Now that I'm such a badluck in capoeira... I don't trust myself anymore. In tennis, I can trust almost everything I have in my mind, but even more - in my body. Last summer I tried playing tennis once. In Turkey. It was an experiment, and I thought it will totally fall apart. But no. On a disasterous surface with tons of sand, with rackets that blow up every single shot of yours, with bald balls... I was doing everything just the way I was supposed to - my body knew exactly where to stop to slide another 1-2 metres to the exact place of the shot. It's magic. Probably these 7 years and all the necessary information got stuck in my had. Finally.

Damn, why do I always miss the important IMs from my friends? I'm gonna feel sick until I have this conversation.

Mar. 15th, 2012

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{getting sick back again}

Elliot: "Oh, right, cause you're diabetic. Boo hoo. You know Turk, if you want sympathy, get a disease people can see" (c) - Scrubs

I'm so god damn lucky to get yet ANOTHER spine injury for the last 6 months. Yeah, that is so cool, can never be more proud of myself. If seriously, that totally sucks. It was so hurtful and so scary that I can barely remember how I got into that hysterical night of crying, screaming and trying to shout out "Mooom!" through tears and weeping. We went to the trauma-center and the doctors there got so scared that they called the ambulance right away. The funny stuff is that the free room was left only in the same hospital we came to, so the ambulance car took me to a fun ride of 200 metres. Then I won my lottery ticket to a ride in a wheel-chair round the hospital - so fun it seems like a fucking birthday party has come along right?

Three days later I am feeling a little better, not as supposed though. My mom was joking yesterday something like: "You seem so absolutely fine, that one can think you're just imitating" - haha. You guys all think it's a great load of fun, right? Yeah, remembering me 6 months ago how I went from one hospital to another trying to find a reason for the unstoppable pain in my back? And the diagnosis? Yeah, it was a joke too. Now I'm feeling so fucking perfect I can go ride a fucking horse.

Do you know how fun it is to wake up every damn 15 minutes and turn around, because it hurts to lie in one position for more than 15 minutes? Do you know how fun it will be trying to heal myself for the next couple of months (no kidding, they said 2 weeks in bed but we all know what that will mean for the next 2-3 months at least)? Do you seriously think I'm having fun around here? Yes, I can admit, it's cool to sleep in for a week (although I will have to work with my notebook as well)... But those who think it's fun are damn sick. I'm not talking about the therapy. How do you think I feel trying to overtake my fears and stuff and fall down yet again hurting myself? That will definitely help me overtake all of my psychological issues in acrobatics. Let me say what, I'm so calling my tennis coach... -_____-

No-no, sure, it's ok. I got used to skipping the practices, the parties, missing all the fun, not seeing my friends, just having my own business while everybody is having fun. It's not big deal, I've already had it once, now having it back again won't change anything - I have a bunch of experience how to get through this shit without anyone even noticing. 

Oct. 13th, 2011

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(no subject)

Sometimes I miss the good old days. I know it's probably high time I grew up but I can't get used to it. The way it was on court or on the pitch - you were watched 24\7, every single step of yours was being watched by the coach's crew and they knew everything about you. My football coach for example knew how exactly I step on the grass and why I do it that particular way. He knew, when and where I would jump the next moment the ball comes. He wasn't a good man, we had lots of conflicts because of... well... different stuff. But he knew everything he should knew about me on that pitch. And he knew exactly what I needed. He always knew that if he doesn't stop me from overtraining, I'd just hurt myself oneday. So he always took time to remind me that of all team I'm the only one who should NOT go jogging on weekends, but should just lie down and relax in front of a TV. He knew that was the worst punishment for me anyway - just staying out of training.

My tennis coach on the other hand - was a good friend for me at all points of my life. He knew my character - he was all about that. He always did his best to know us better, because the way we acted off-courts was also something that affected our game. That's why before we started our practice he always found out if something had happened or how things were that week - he asked about school, family, work and other stuff that we had. And because he knew us sometimes even better then we did ourselves, he could easily see when we lie, or cheat, when we're hurt, afraid or uncertain about something. It's funny but even when we pretended we're hurt and when we were actually hurt - he knew exactly when we're lying and trying to just easily surrender or maybe show others sort of an excuse for a mistake or a bad game in general (that was usually my thing), and when we're really hurt, even though it was almost impossible to see the difference from aside. He'd say nothing if we were just pretending. He'd just ask: "Shoulder hurts?" - and then just nod. But wouldn't say anything. And when you got really injured he'd always see it and come up to you to suggest ending the game right now and going to see a doctor. When I fell down on coart or make a rough movement, he always knew why and what might these cause in the end.

This whole entry leads me to only one thought. When it comes to sport, you always need a person who would know you better than you do, who would know (which is incredibly important to such a crazy sport-workaholic freak as me) when to stop. It's truly great, when your coach thinks more of your abilities than he really should, but sometimes it's what makes it worse.

And now I know that it's not only us who's unattentive sometimes.

Oct. 12th, 2011

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(no subject)

We, athletes, do stupid things. To hide our fears or our issues, we do everything, we do really reckless stuff. A few days ago I fell down pretty tough... My spine benden like in a full ring or about so... I thought I'm gonna break my neck. But what did I do? I stood up and said: "I'm fine". I was really hurt. But not to concentrate on my failures, I made myself proceed. It was very painful, but I just did it.

Today I remembered how a few years ago I fell down and hurt my wrist and then played a whole tennis match with a hurt wrist. The way I did it... I broke my wrist while playing tennis - so I did it deliberately, I just broke my wrist. I couldn't stop myself. What if I did the same damn thing again?.. I need someone to be more responsible than I am. In pro-sport you have a whole lot of people running around you and watching every single thing you do. Now I have to do all these things myself, because... well... whatever...

Jul. 29th, 2011

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(no subject)

I'm back from the camp. It was extremely challenging, very hard, but a lot of fun. I met a lot of new people, I met very talented and qualified instructors and really had a lot of fun. I am awfully tired and I'm looking forward to coming back to my angola practices.

Jul. 12th, 2011

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{leaving to a boot camp}

I'm leaving first in the morning. For like 2 weeks. I keep positive though. Yesterday I realized how to keep myself going even there. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that we all stood there for like an hour (literally!) after our training not even knowing how to say goodbyes and finally leave. That's awesome... I'm saving this amazing atmosphere inside me and I'm sure I'm gonna be fine this way. I downloaded thousands of songs of capoeira to learn plus my favorite Olodum to my mp3-player.

I also took lots of videos with Capoeira Angola to keep learning useful stuff while not doing it myself. And I probably will make myself do some short training of angola whenever\if I have enough energy after our practices. I hope I'm gonna be fine.

This would have been a dream-trip if... well, no ifs allowed. We will probably do something like that next year too) That will be cool. So far I'll just concentrate on being as positive out of classes as I was in. I'm sure things will work out.

Jul. 10th, 2011

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{RusRuleti}

 It's been like only a few days and I'm already feeling fine. I don't know what has change, I don't know what was wrong before that is fine now... But I'm fine. It even turned out that my good friend will be there when I'll be having my vacations. That's kinda cool, that means I can go and just have fun without thinking about him. I am not thinking. At least I've been perfectly fine ever since. I guess it was just a shock to get such news but in the end - I don't care.

In a few days I'm going away to Ucraine to a... sort of a boot camp. Sports camp I mean. It will be my last event done with the federation and I want it to be done as soon as possible. I personally don't want to go. I used to want it - I thought, that might be kind of useful for me. But now I just don't want it. It will be really boring without the cultural side of capoeira. As far as I can't take my berimbau with me, I'm planning to take plenty of CDs with songs of capoeira that I don't know and learn those every day - like every spare moment I have. That way I won't regress with the music. After all... this federation doesn't have ANY music lessons or anything like that. They don't sing either. Whatever.

Another reason why I don't wanna go is that I have so many things to be done within these 2 days I have left, I'm not sure I can handle it. Though a good friend of mine keeps telling that I've got to relax and take a deep breath - this way I can manage to do everything I want. I hope so. So far it's work work work more work + write another 2 or 3 music tracks for my group, which I promised to do before I leave.
 
Did I tell you I'm going to sing? Yeah, right. This is a huge step up. Lately I've discovered, I'm a better singer than I used to be. I've been working really hard to progress with my voice. Capoeira also helped me with this. So now all I do is get more and more compliments about my singing. That makes me feel positive about my decision to start singing. I'm still pretty afraid of ruining the whole thing. Well, will see. It's still a russian roulette.
 
By the way, it's been two days that I lost a whole song somewhere. It was supposed to be a very important song. Which is called 'RusRuleti' (russian roulette in turkish). The point is that I gave the same name to a story I've written... the love story, whatever. It's a very long story. And a very beautiful song that I would have even put on the cover of my CD, if it's every happening. Because this is the name of a whole era of mine. It means a lot to me. But I can not find the damn paper sheet with its lyrics and chords. Is it a sign that this whole bald-head-guy/asshole story has to come to a complete end? Ok, the story is over. But why erase the memories?

Jul. 8th, 2011

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{I'm not crying for you, I'm crying for myself}

I am stronger than this. Yesterday I thought I'm almost there again - I could even have a sigarete. I stood near the window with the lighter and sigaretes, but I just couldn't do it... I can't start all over again just because of him. I mean, I've already been there. I started smoking and drinking 'because of him'. I did stupid things and excused it with him... Now I can do it the same. But I will hate myself for it. Because once I was a kid I could do that - I mean explaing everything with one single name.

But now I'm a little more than that. I grew up and I can't do that anymore. Even if I do that - I won't feel that way. I will know that if I start smoking or drinking or whatever again that will only be my fault, it won't be because of him - it will be because of me.

So what I did yesterday to blow off steam was like hundreds of push-ups on my fists till they got insensible. And finding balance on my headstand, which was by the way pretty successful - I realized you find balance only with location of your hands - I could even bend my back completely and still get the balance back on front. Sport is a great way to blow off steam. Probably I will have to do something like that on my vacations too - maybe jogging in the morning along the sea-shore... Will be fun, I guess.

It's time to define what I have for this man. And it is nothing. Yesterday I cried having one particular thought in my head by Asia Argento in her 'Boarding gate' - "I'm not crying for you, I'm crying for myself"- that's exactly how I felt. I didn't quite care about him getting engaged. I was just feeling pity for myself... Fuck the guy...

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